Teams

Cletus Built My Hot Rod

Garage Headquarters: Hamilton, OH

Driver: Kevin Bartels

Mechanics: Steve Aleshin, Phil Patrick, Derrick Clark, Clay Case

Nuts and Bolts:

If any native Kentuckians attend Red Bull Soapbox Cincinnati 2008, driver Kevin Bartels better hope that Cletus built this hot rod to go fast. As in, running-from-an-outraged-mob fast. “Being just north of Kentucky,” Kevin diplomatically states, “we’re in close proximity to backwoods folk.” Noting that the wife of teammate Phil Patrick “came up with the hillbilly idea,” Kevin sets out the details for his team’s skit: “We start playing some good ol’ bluegrass on the banjo, washboard and spoons while sippin’ fresh Red Bull and moonshine. Sirens interrupt our musical mêlée, so we save the still, start shootin’ and skedaddle as ‘Jesus Build My Hotrod’ by Ministry starts playing.”

Mind you, Kevin claims that his team consists exclusively of “Croatian-born midgets” and that he and his mechanics single-handedly started global warming. By the time he points out, apropos of nothing, that carbon “is the building-block of all life and whatnot,” it’s hard not to take a keen hankerin’ to these regionalist so-and-sos. Still, should Kevin need a swift getaway from an un-amused contingent of the Mount Adams crowd, the Cletus Built My Hot Rod racer might be just the ticket. Kevin explains that the racer, crafted by application, software and mechanical engineers, “will soon be transformed into a screamin’ machine that would make Jed Clampett right proud.”